Contemplating fear responses

I notice a variety of fear responses that subconsciously occur within me, as if I were an observer interested in understanding why I would panic with certain stimuli.

understanding the Bible is one of those topics. applying the Bible is another. applying the Bible to my experiential beliefs and conclusions is yet another. knowing what to think and feel about "sin", knowing how to define "sin", knowing where to draw certain lines of "right" and "wrong". I experienced this feeling the other day when I was with people who believe one can lose their salvation, or who believe in predestination as more powerful than free will. I experience it when I consider where I fall on the issue of gay marriage. I say I want to live in a gray world, but I subconsciously panic when Black and White are not clear, when I have to decide where to fall.

Maybe I need to get comfortable with the "I don't know" answer. Maybe it's ok to say "I feel torn", or "I don't know what to believe". It is VERY hard for me to choose Love, and Love only, when people want to know where I stand on issues... and I want to know where I stand on issues.

I know I am afraid of being wrong. I consider how "it is a dreadful/terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebs 10:31). But, I also know that I have a tendency to live in legalism and fear- it is a safety zone for me, when I am convinced that all will be ok if I just do X, Y, and Z. No one will be mad at me and I will not find myself condemned... I can be highly motivated to live a certain way and believe certain things, based on my fear of what bad thing will happen if I don't.

I realize that there must be an answer, a way to reconcile God's Love and His wrath. There must be a way to live. Respect, Obedience, Love, Honor, Holiness, Need for salvation, Relationship, Unmerited favor, Faith, Trust... they all must be a part of it somehow. It is just much less comfortable and much more vulnerable for me to live with all these questions and with so few answers.

Right now I feel as if I have a lot of fear and very few answers.

In honor of weddings...

I spent this past weekend at a cousin's wedding, which was gorgeous!! It got me thinking about my favorite venues and the atmosphere they create for the amazing day which is your wedding day!!

Below I am sharing my favorite wedding venues to date. Having been a bridesmaid 9 times, plus being married and attending many weddings, I think I am starting to develop a taste for fine events and all that makes them spectacular!

Cairnwood Mansion

Of course my favorite since the first I laid eyes upon it. My friend Danielle was married there, and her stunning wedding showcased the beauty that is Bryn Athyn. I was married there in March 2008.

Pittsburg Grand Hall at the Priory

I attended my cousin's wedding here this weekend, and it was beautiful! An old church converted into a venue full of amazing details!

Holly Hedge Estate

Obviously there is a theme of detail-rich, elegant old mansions. Holly Hedge had several buildings to enjoy between the coctail hour and the reception, with beautiful grounds. Everything about this place was beautiful, even in the rain!

Lauxmont Farms

Again, there is an obvious bias towards old buildings with decadent details and character. Having attended two events here, I can attest that this site looks gorgeous in rain or shine, heat or chill.

Casa di Fiori

For a new wedding venue, this place was fantastic! Rich with details (and I am very detail-oriented)! I was so pleased for my friend who was married here!


So happy Spring and Summer season to all, hope you enjoy all the events you attend in the 2009 season!

PS- Maybe this is why I should be an event planner one day.....

My current focus

Proverbs 16:33

"The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD."

(I might want to control this, but it is not controllable or manipulatable.)

coming full-circle

I continue to pray for God's leading... I think I am working through issues like how angry at God I can be when I am confused, how abandoned I feel at times when I don't understand what He is doing or IF He really loves me... this time is bringing up a lot for me to work through. And, since God has been using my surprise verse of the day to guide me, today's was appropriate:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:6-7

Well, of course. There's tons in here for me. #1- I have not been giving thanks in this time, which I was convicted of on Sunday- to be grateful for what I have, for grace, for the fact that God is doing something (this is not all random and chance...). #2- I do worry, I am anxious, I try to control instead of abandoning myself to a loving God. I close myself off to His peace. #3- I present my requests to god, but do I leave it at that? Or do it try to control the outcome, or prepare myself for alternative outcomes, and wrestle in these awful ways. I am so much more wrought with sin than I acknowlege sometimes. #4- this whole process keeps me from seeking and allowing Him to provide peace. Even peace that transcends my understanding of why it is there. Then #5- no wonder my heart and mind are not guarded. No wonder I am in fear, pain, confusion, disillusionment, or loss of direction. No wonder I have no idea what to do.

So, I guess my new plan of action needs to be: to petition God in prayer, realizing Who it is I am talking to (the loving, good, holy, righteous God), and then allowing Him to have my anxiety and trade me for His indescribably peace instead, so that my heart and mind are guarded... and I need to choose to trust Him and be grateful for what I have, while really putting my heart out there and giving Him my hopes and dreams.

Maybe that is a form of direction.....

...do I really believe this, and what does that mean for me?

I was struck by a random concept at church yesterday- a reminder that God is the giver of every good thing. I nod my head, I sing it out loud, but do I really believe it?

Struggling over this doctoral program has reminded me that I tend to lean on my own understanding. I try to understand what God is doing, I resist being in the dark, or feeling confused, or feeling frightened, or feeling in pain. I wander around in the darkness groping about for some sign that I can figure out where I am or where I am going... but to no avail. I am still lost and blind. I am still hoping and dreaming and imagining a bright world that I may never see.

Will He heal me of my infirmity? Will He show up, meet me here, guide me?

I got a clear message from Him last week... verse after random verse saying- When I act, I do so for MY Name's sake. You (*me*) continue to be an idolater, a fool, a wanderer and a false-god worshipper. But I (*He*) will heal that, too. I will take out your heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Then the world will now that I am God...

So, now I wait. I wait to see what that looks like. I wait and I beg for mercy on a body and a heart and flesh that continues to fail and flounder. I long and I sigh and I groan and I beg. I'm asking for and I'm needing deliverance... though I'm not sure if I need deliverance from my circumstances or from me.

care about my life vs. my ability to be an idolater

Sometimes we walk a fine line, I walk a fine line, between caring and caring too much. That makes me feel the need to evaluate and re-evaluate my priorities.

During this waiting time with school, I have become more in touch with my desire to be a helper, my desire to learn and grow in my field, my desire to practice competantly, as well as my selfishness with my time, emotions, and energy. I realize that, even with good desires, I want them fulfilled how I want them filled, when I want them filled.

I feel like I am walking a tightrope right now. Part of me wants to be selfish and not rise to the challenge this next step will demand of me, and part of me wants to be accepted RIGHT NOW so I can plan. I walk this fine line between worshipping myself and devoting my life to God, doing what I want vs. doing what He wants.

Thankfully, this is where grace comes in. I can not walk uprightly, with integrity, without mixed intentions and motives, on my own. I WILL, guaranteed, mess it up in some way, probably numerous ways. I can not make my own way to heaven, or earn the ability to be in right standing with God. I see my sinful nature, who wants to be self-sufficient, come out when I want to condemn myself and "try harder" to be a "good person" and make my own way.

It is so difficult that all of this comes back to the challenge I have received to CHOOSE to trust... CHOOSE to trust a God who can be confusing, who isn't always easy to understand, but who loves me-- so much that His plan was to rescue me from myself and ransom me back to Himself. I need to choose to entrust myself to Him, without holding back or grasping onto MY dreams, MY rights, MY hopes, MY desires... for the positive and negative. I can't hold back out of self-condemnation, knowing I am not "good enough" to want, hope or dream for anything... JUST LIKE I can't hold myself back in pride like I am owed or deserve anything.

I need a lot of grace right now.

the hardest part

"...the hardest part is loving somebody that cares for you so much..." -Ryan Adams

I had a really good day on Friday, mostly related to a breakfast conversation with a good friend who challenged me about my collision course towards burn out. He challenged me to REST... in Christ, in the places my clients are at and my role in their lives. He challenged me to go have fun, so that I don't end up just like them... with some form of psychopathology or a level of compassion fatigue.

That proved to be a challenge. I had been desiring an adventure in downtown Philly with gelato at Capogiros, a romanticized walk through the city streets, discovering little boutiques and reconnecting with how much I love life. I ended up with my sister and her son, who was misbehaving. I was sitting in a little green kiddie chair at Barnes and Noble trying to get Jared to share his trains with another little child.

So, I rushed home to escape. Disappointed at Chris's apparent burn out from the day, I cried at the idea that neither of us had any ideas how to have fun in Lancaster county. For hours we brainstormed, but to no avail. We decided to obtain season 5 of 24, and let ourselves be addicted for the whole weekend. I watched 20 episodes, totalling 14 hours of TV, only paused by sleep, meals, a hike with Chris's brother, church, and a baby shower. Though it was a relief being immersed in another world, I was still burnt out.

I also burnt dinner last night, only 20 minutes after receiving the letter.... I have been wait listed for a position at my top choice school. That means I am more desperately clinging to God's will and His ability to reveal it and make it come to pass. All I have is Him- but honestly, that's what it always is, whether I am acknowledging that or not.

The point of all this is that I am being challenged to live differently. I feel incredibly self-focused right now. My husband, who is more generous than I can describe, cried with me last night because he hates seeing me feel this stressed. I woke up today realizing that, with trying to find my significance at work, I have felt disillusioned and dysphoric. With wanting something as badly as I want school, that has only been compounded. I was laying in bed, refusing to get up, questioning how to get out of this mindset.

Then I read a blog by a friend that challenged me to live generously in my work, in my life, as a part of the way I serve. I am reconnecting with my inspiration for why I am doing this- because God wants to impact the lives of people. Not just me as an "empty vessel" for my clients... which often leaves me feeling like I'm dragging around the burdens of other people... but God wants to impact my life as well. God wants to show up in my life. And so that's where this all comes full circle... it's not about SO MANY THINGS that it could be about.

God wants to show up in my life.

So the hardest part isn't my anxiety, it isn't my fear, it isn't my brokenness or even all the ways I screw up on a daily basis. It isn't my failure, it isn't the level that I can disappoint the people around me.

"...I've been turned around, I've been mystified by true Love. And that ain't the hardest part. That ain't the hardest part. The hardest part is loving somebody that cares for you so much..."