looking for inspiration

Sometimes I look for something to inspire me to work hard, to fight for what I need, to gather the motivation or strength or means to acheive. I am, typically, a motivated person- I may be a procrastinator, but overall I am driven and passionate about what I desire.

But in moments where I have lost my focus, or forget why I want what I want, I need inspiration. It reminds me of the quote that inspired my blog name... Karin Berquist of Over the Rhine, in discussing a problem in her life, stated that, somehow....

"...in our hearts, we come to find a tiny, insubstantial spark of hope."

Sometimes we find those glimmers that we needed, just in time to sigh in relief and press on, knowing things aren't as impossible as they once seemed. And we gain our strength back by leaning on others and connecting with hope.

I've found my hope.

Its been a long time.....

I find that I write much more when I am feeling a more intense emotion; be it that I am struggling, or that I am overjoyed. I am currently neither of those things.

Autumn is in the air and I love it. I love the cool air and I baked my first pumpkin bread yesterday. I also am in the mode of "I got what I wanted...." I am up to my eyeballs in school work and it is what I fought so hard for. I am realizing that happiness and satisfaction are choices, and I can go to good places to find those things, or I can cultivate my own dissatisfaction at any time- it's up to me, really.

So, I am content but busy and increasingly less social. Working less and reading more. Wrestling over concepts I haven't ever cared about before (like instrumental conditioning...) and finding that I am enjoying it. I am glad to be here. I think I was meant to be here.

Also, God help me, I am a bit distracted from my priorities. I'm not doing a lot of spiritual things, I'm not doing a lot of self-care things... I'm trying to settle into a new mode. I still intensely care about my beliefs and my personal health... but I only have so much time and sleep feels important.

I think I am finally learning that I don't have to be perfect to be ok.

Contemplating fear responses

I notice a variety of fear responses that subconsciously occur within me, as if I were an observer interested in understanding why I would panic with certain stimuli.

understanding the Bible is one of those topics. applying the Bible is another. applying the Bible to my experiential beliefs and conclusions is yet another. knowing what to think and feel about "sin", knowing how to define "sin", knowing where to draw certain lines of "right" and "wrong". I experienced this feeling the other day when I was with people who believe one can lose their salvation, or who believe in predestination as more powerful than free will. I experience it when I consider where I fall on the issue of gay marriage. I say I want to live in a gray world, but I subconsciously panic when Black and White are not clear, when I have to decide where to fall.

Maybe I need to get comfortable with the "I don't know" answer. Maybe it's ok to say "I feel torn", or "I don't know what to believe". It is VERY hard for me to choose Love, and Love only, when people want to know where I stand on issues... and I want to know where I stand on issues.

I know I am afraid of being wrong. I consider how "it is a dreadful/terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebs 10:31). But, I also know that I have a tendency to live in legalism and fear- it is a safety zone for me, when I am convinced that all will be ok if I just do X, Y, and Z. No one will be mad at me and I will not find myself condemned... I can be highly motivated to live a certain way and believe certain things, based on my fear of what bad thing will happen if I don't.

I realize that there must be an answer, a way to reconcile God's Love and His wrath. There must be a way to live. Respect, Obedience, Love, Honor, Holiness, Need for salvation, Relationship, Unmerited favor, Faith, Trust... they all must be a part of it somehow. It is just much less comfortable and much more vulnerable for me to live with all these questions and with so few answers.

Right now I feel as if I have a lot of fear and very few answers.

In honor of weddings...

I spent this past weekend at a cousin's wedding, which was gorgeous!! It got me thinking about my favorite venues and the atmosphere they create for the amazing day which is your wedding day!!

Below I am sharing my favorite wedding venues to date. Having been a bridesmaid 9 times, plus being married and attending many weddings, I think I am starting to develop a taste for fine events and all that makes them spectacular!

Cairnwood Mansion

Of course my favorite since the first I laid eyes upon it. My friend Danielle was married there, and her stunning wedding showcased the beauty that is Bryn Athyn. I was married there in March 2008.

Pittsburg Grand Hall at the Priory

I attended my cousin's wedding here this weekend, and it was beautiful! An old church converted into a venue full of amazing details!

Holly Hedge Estate

Obviously there is a theme of detail-rich, elegant old mansions. Holly Hedge had several buildings to enjoy between the coctail hour and the reception, with beautiful grounds. Everything about this place was beautiful, even in the rain!

Lauxmont Farms

Again, there is an obvious bias towards old buildings with decadent details and character. Having attended two events here, I can attest that this site looks gorgeous in rain or shine, heat or chill.

Casa di Fiori

For a new wedding venue, this place was fantastic! Rich with details (and I am very detail-oriented)! I was so pleased for my friend who was married here!


So happy Spring and Summer season to all, hope you enjoy all the events you attend in the 2009 season!

PS- Maybe this is why I should be an event planner one day.....

My current focus

Proverbs 16:33

"The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD."

(I might want to control this, but it is not controllable or manipulatable.)

coming full-circle

I continue to pray for God's leading... I think I am working through issues like how angry at God I can be when I am confused, how abandoned I feel at times when I don't understand what He is doing or IF He really loves me... this time is bringing up a lot for me to work through. And, since God has been using my surprise verse of the day to guide me, today's was appropriate:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:6-7

Well, of course. There's tons in here for me. #1- I have not been giving thanks in this time, which I was convicted of on Sunday- to be grateful for what I have, for grace, for the fact that God is doing something (this is not all random and chance...). #2- I do worry, I am anxious, I try to control instead of abandoning myself to a loving God. I close myself off to His peace. #3- I present my requests to god, but do I leave it at that? Or do it try to control the outcome, or prepare myself for alternative outcomes, and wrestle in these awful ways. I am so much more wrought with sin than I acknowlege sometimes. #4- this whole process keeps me from seeking and allowing Him to provide peace. Even peace that transcends my understanding of why it is there. Then #5- no wonder my heart and mind are not guarded. No wonder I am in fear, pain, confusion, disillusionment, or loss of direction. No wonder I have no idea what to do.

So, I guess my new plan of action needs to be: to petition God in prayer, realizing Who it is I am talking to (the loving, good, holy, righteous God), and then allowing Him to have my anxiety and trade me for His indescribably peace instead, so that my heart and mind are guarded... and I need to choose to trust Him and be grateful for what I have, while really putting my heart out there and giving Him my hopes and dreams.

Maybe that is a form of direction.....

...do I really believe this, and what does that mean for me?

I was struck by a random concept at church yesterday- a reminder that God is the giver of every good thing. I nod my head, I sing it out loud, but do I really believe it?

Struggling over this doctoral program has reminded me that I tend to lean on my own understanding. I try to understand what God is doing, I resist being in the dark, or feeling confused, or feeling frightened, or feeling in pain. I wander around in the darkness groping about for some sign that I can figure out where I am or where I am going... but to no avail. I am still lost and blind. I am still hoping and dreaming and imagining a bright world that I may never see.

Will He heal me of my infirmity? Will He show up, meet me here, guide me?

I got a clear message from Him last week... verse after random verse saying- When I act, I do so for MY Name's sake. You (*me*) continue to be an idolater, a fool, a wanderer and a false-god worshipper. But I (*He*) will heal that, too. I will take out your heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh. Then the world will now that I am God...

So, now I wait. I wait to see what that looks like. I wait and I beg for mercy on a body and a heart and flesh that continues to fail and flounder. I long and I sigh and I groan and I beg. I'm asking for and I'm needing deliverance... though I'm not sure if I need deliverance from my circumstances or from me.